i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
