I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
