Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
