i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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