your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
