also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
