So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
