Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
