Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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