so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize