You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize