i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
