omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
