my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
