Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
