I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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