I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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