bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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