Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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