i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
