im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
