Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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