I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
