I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
