Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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