Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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