I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize