this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
