His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
MIDGETS
????
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
