Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize