Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize