My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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