She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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