Just took my morning after pill in the library
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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