Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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