What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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