Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
