Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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