THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
