Sry I called you an 8
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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