I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize