eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
