I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
