Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
