My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
