I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
