I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
