My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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