she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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