On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
