I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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