My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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