no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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