I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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