Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
