Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
