Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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