just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
