He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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