Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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