If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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