it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
