just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
