Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
