1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
