dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
