I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
