I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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