My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
then he tried to convert me to islam
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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