Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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